Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Don't Waste Your Time on Me You're Already the Voice Inside My Head


Are you watching this?

The call had come not too late in the night, and while he was close to dozing and fading away from the turmoil on the television he saw her number and it immediately awakened him.

Yeah...unbelievable.  It's a crazy world all right.  

On the screen the reporter was lit up by klieg lights against the darkness.  Video replay showed explosions, smoke and chaos.

I just can't believe they did it to kids...they saw them standing there, knowing in a few minutes what would happen.  I find that unforgivable.  He listened to her, not saying anything.

Fucking unbelievable.  

The room was quiet.  He had muted the television.  Finally he offered:  I love watching the people, mostly the police, running towards the danger while everybody else is running away.

Yeah, that's almost instinct.  More quiet.

I like to think that I'd run towards you if you were in danger he said quietly.

Well thank you.  I don't plan on being in any danger right away, but I'll keep that in mind.

Oh you're in danger all the time...you just don't know it.

I am?

Behind the wheel you most certainly are...

She laughed a little...a sad one.  I know.

He watched the scenes unfolding.  You're a little like a terrorist...

I am?!? Geez that's not a very nice thing to say!

Let me finish...he said...not an evil one...just that you impact me at times...explosively...terrifyingly.  You blow up bits of me that you will never see.  You damage parts of me.  Maybe even deliberately.

I wouldn't do it deliberately.

I think you do.  I think it is the law of unintended consequences.  But it happens.  

When?

Uhm, I don't know.  In departures.  In absences...it's like you've left a time bomb and days and weeks go by and then Blam!  A sudden thought, or image, or reminder...sometimes a song.  And something hurts and I don't know...it just feels like something really bad.  

More quiet.

I'm sorry.

Ahh...I'll live.  I always do.  I guess that's the best thing...you're not fatal.  You're not curable either...but you're not fatal.

That's literally the not-nicest thing you've ever said.

Well you caught me in a moment.

I guess I did.  Is there anything else you'd care to lay at my feet?  Maybe that I'm a serial killer too?

Oh I'd never say that...I like to think I'm the sole victim.  At least I'd hope so.  That you're not out there torturing others.

Torture.  That's another nice word.  You're really batting a thousand.

Well, I'm just reporting the news...that's all.  There are a lot of great things I could say, but you've heard a lot of them before. And honestly, as I think about it, these are really quite rare compliments.

They are?  How do you figure?

Because if I kept quiet then you'd never know...and if you never knew then you'd never really understand the impact...of doing anything...or doing nothing.

Hmmmm...oddly that makes sense I guess.  Not sure of the name calling though.

Well...I guess I see that point too...but I couldn't call you a vampire because you'd claim I called you a monster; I couldn't call you a demon because you would claim religious violation; I couldn't call you an ax murderer because you don't even own an ax.  So, while I'm sorry about the little like a terrorist-bit, it felt apropos.

Ooookay.  Well, I guess I did learn some things.  Some things that initially didn't sound very nice.  But I guess I don't mind knowing of some of my impact.

You'd be surprised...

Well, then I guess I'd have to say thank you for sharing?  I think?

You're welcome.  Just stop blowing things up inside of me.

Well I'll try.  How can I stop?

Stop disappearing.

Her quiet was always like this...epic silence...knowing the silent stir of her thinking...formulating the most exact and appropriate response...like a foreigner in a new country trying to translate before speaking and speaking incorrectly.  She wouldn't do that automatically.

Sometimes...many times, I have to go.  So, I guess while I disappear I try to reappear when I can.

Don't worry.  I know when you're around.  

I'm glad.

Goodnight.

Night.


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