Songs

 

Part I

 

"I wanted you to know...I love the way you laugh...I want to hold you high and steal your pain...away...

I keep your photograph...and I know it serves me well... I want to hold you high and steal your pain...

Cause I'm broken...when I lonesome...and I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away...you don't feel me...here...anymore"

-Seether, "Broken"

 

 

 

Sometimes I believe the thing I build for you is beautiful....exactly as I wanted your brain to absorb it and see it...like a new sense discovered or a new taste on the palette.  I want to sting memory-strings and pluck parts of you from comfortable places and throw them into fires to make a discomfort but then again create an almost exhilarating new nerve ending.  I want disruption.  I want that.  But in many ways, I do want to steal your pain away.  But when you're gone, you are away and don't feel me anymore.


Part II:  I found a picture of you, oh oh oh oh
Those were the happiest days of my life
Like a break in the battle was your part, oh oh oh oh
In the wretched life of a lonely heart--The Pretenders, "Back on the Chain Gang"

I think the snapshots of my time with you were delicate and glassy...like dream fragments.  Like magnetic pulses felt if a surgeon tips a needle into a brain part and behind your eyes a photo emerges.  My memory is a quilt of images...woven together over time...older ones frayed at the edges, recent ones clear and distinct.  Not sure what it means other than if a song plays I hear and feel it like water on my skin...sometimes warming, sometimes cooling depending on the mood.  It's amazing the effect of lyrics.  Amazing.

Part III: 

Cold and frosty morning - there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind.
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind.

And I wanna be there when you're coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground

So don't go away,
Say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day
In the time of my life
'cause I need more time,
Yes, I need more time
Just to make things right---Oasis, "Don't Go Away"

 

I travel too much...I travel too far.  In the distance and junctions I am alone with just strangers and I fight the urge to cave to just randomness and fleeting bits of the moments I am in.  Rather, I would much prefer to dwell on the past pieces and cling to a pier as the tide pulls out...and have it stay as all chaos and low waves crash against me yet stay holding onto something that doesn't change.  I think the issue is I'm the one departing, yet I'm the one asking you to stay.

 

Part IV:  I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you, all I'm going to be is incomplete--Backstreet Boys, "Incomplete"

 

This one is embarrassingly cliché.  Not going to say anything more on this one.

 

Part V:  Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin--Keane, "Somewhere only we Know"

 

It is simple...it started simply.  A glance, a pass-by...a call, a text.  A minute, a moment. Fresh, crisp.  New. Strange.  Soon ebbing into familiarity and comfort.  But still simple.  And like the most powerful cleansing and purifying feeling in the world.  You breathed into me, your sweet moist kiss and your scent of you...an essence that my body and my brain absorbed in electrical pandemonium and exhilaration.  It was simple...but the impact on me was terrifyingly beautiful.

 

Part VI:  You let me into a conversation
A conversation only we could make
You're breaking into my imagination
Whatever's in there is yours to take--U2 "Song for Someone"

 

I allow you the penetration into me with complete disregard...a wanton violent act that you can create and indulge...I want you to carve and cut, dissect and cleave, pull and tear and have freedom to explode into my vast spaces that you own...you own parts of me, wholesale caverns of my insides...free to scream, echo and light fires and burn pages.  It is all for you to take.  Pile up, consume.  It is not on a platter but in my own willing hands, to scoop up and hold to you and offer up.  It is servitude.

 

 

Part VII:  I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more--Christina Perri, "A Thousand Years"

I just love this fucking song.  I love her tattoos.  I love these simple lyrics and spoken almost way of singing.  It's a teenagers song.  It's a song you'd never play at the gym. It's a song that when I hear it on the radio I swing fucking pendulum swings of emotions into a piñata of you.  I just single thread my brain and it is filled with just a soundtrack of us and it is over-wrought and over-born.  But I like soundtracks to movies and if we made a movie of us this would play in the credits in the end.  Listen to the way the song ends...the violins and piano...and the way it closes...with the quieting.

Part VIII:  Midnight,
You come and pick me up, no headlights
A long drive,
Could end in burning flames or paradise
Fade into view, oh, it's been a while since I have even heard from you (heard from you)--T. Swift, "Style"

Dear Lord...a Taylor song.  But I'll be goddamned if this doesn't remind me of us.  Not the characters per se as my hair isn't as described but the fact that the time erases quickly and wild eyes consume our interactions despite the long blocks of hours that separate our interactions.  It's just a nice way to reminisce without worrying about what happens when months spool and then there we are.

So these are the snippets...bits and pieces of my playlist...not a Spotify thing because apparently that's too revealing but in the grand scheme of musical influences I find these a bit enchanting and even more so appealing. 

I just thought that maybe you should know.