Snow Day

Maybe it's morning. Maybe it's night. In a blackened room the scuttling of sleet against the window is a rhythm like rain. Somewhere out there ice glazes over branches, over streets, and as the sun grays out the dark the sky stops spitting and collapses into a thousand flakes as the morning begins with snow.

Snow deadens sound. It muffles, it blankets. It quiets.

And it's cold. Even windless it is numbing, it is a blade across the skin.

And it's gray. Even at the height of the day the white circle of sun stays low, blotted out, caught up in the trees. It is a day with eyes half shut.

But here, I feel you stir, I feel your warmth. I hear the slight change in breathing and know you're emerging from your sleep. And I know if I move it will hasten you awake so I lay still, motionless, capturing this snow day in these quietest moments before the rest of the world notices.

I'll Take "What are 'No Hot Babes' for $1000"

There's really no debating that the long-storied run of the game-show Jeopardy truly stimulates our perceptions of intelligence, education and our own egotism in carrying arcane data around in our brains. It is a brisk-paced event, and trivia is like so many pieces of popcorn that we can infinitely stuff into our mouths and never get full. We learn something new, we're reminded of something we'd forgotten, and we have those agonizing moments when we see the shell of an answer and exhale "I knew that" after we see the answer. But there are some immutable rules, at least in my mind, that we must always remember when it comes to Jeopardy.

1) Yes, your ringer does work and yes you look idiotic when you convulsively shake it and plunge it like you're Wiley Coyote attempting to blow up a bridge in a Road-Runner cartoon. They clearly must have to reiterate that to contestants because nobody ever appeals to the judges a la Tonya Harding for a do-over. If I ever got to be a contestant I'd bang it on the podium...I'd lose, but I'd be remembered.

2) Alex is a tool. Just wait until a French or native American Indian name/phrase/river/building/event/sandwich is revealed as a clue. He loves to phonetically emphasize this skill. Because I would only guess correctly if I heard it pronounced a certain way. (Think Louvre vs. Loover)...when his condescension is at it's apex, like after you lose a Double Jeopardy clue (he likes to remind you with "hurry") before he clucks and pointedly reminds you of your new idiot status, I swear they must have bailiffs standing by so the contestant cannot go on the attack. He's also Canadian, which is like checking "Vanilla" on ethnicity. And really, who has that type of mustache anymore?

3) People's handwriting skills continue to suck. I like looking at how people scribe their name. Sometimes it's neat and tidy...sometimes there is a smiley face...sometimes a line underneath it for emphasis. The best examples obviously come in Final Jeopardy...when they have to write a full sentence, including a question mark. When people have no clue I like it when they have cross-outs. I also like when Alex struggles to read...it makes me think of him as semi-literate. If I was guessing I'd make it damn near illegible and have him keep guessing until he got so exasperated he'd have to ask me what I wrote. People also seem to have trouble with dollar signs. Wonder what's up with that?

4) There is a paucity of hot smart women as contestants. I'm not sure of the demographics of the show, but I would think throwing in a few pieces of eye-candy could tip the ratings a tad...who cares if she's -$5000 like a Will Farrell character...she's getting the sympathy vote. But every now and then there is an attractive contestant and I actually get emotionally attached to her performance. I get sad when she inevitably loses however. The show preceding Jeopardy in our cable programming is Wheel of Fortune. Not only do they have an attractive co-host, they almost always have a very good looking female who's very familiar with the alphabet. And even if they're not a contestant they usually are the attractive spouse shown in the crowd...Jeopardy? I think they pride themselves on not only getting fairly scary people, but they must tell them to wear clothes picked out exclusively by their mothers. One more thing...always hang around after the show ends for the credits portion...sometimes when those people come out from behind the podiums you actually see their entire body and that can be a buzz-kill of huge proportions.

5) I like to think that I am actually smarter after each episode of Jeopardy. I just forget that fact until I get around to watching the next show.

6) Kids Jeopardy makes me feel awfully stupid.

The Myth of Storms

An evening waits to be scrubbed. An afternoon hovers like the air in a funeral parlor...the pale unmoving, unbreathing humidity hangs as funeral clothes in a graying sky. It is a day dying, the skies shuttling in mourners of darkening clouds, armbands of black. The sun blinks one last golden stare before closing, dispersing in a flat line of orange before being penciled out by lowering clouds.

The thunder is slight and faint at first, artillery far away. The sky as fragile as fine bone china. It ripples slightly, tremoring. It rattles, stacks of dishes set before a doorway precariously. Ink spills blackening and staining what is left of lightness, and a scented wind carries the hint of copper.

The house darkens and quiets. A light goes out, the hum of the refrigerator stalls and ticks. A lowering grumble of something unleashed, still so distant away. The storm, like some unredemptive lover stalking after its prey shines bright and pretty lights in dark places, followed by the crush of her fists. Kicking in the doorway, crushing the fine bone china sky into billions of bits. Crying, screaming after the loss, unsalted tears pouring as she runs from room to room, bolting, tearing through walls, exploding doorways, lost love looking.

She passes overhead, dark and beautiful, thundering past me, leaving the droplets of her pain behind.