Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Absence


Yeah.

What color is loneliness?
What moves your eye when there is absence?

Plucked...that is the verb, the attribute...like when you are holding something in your hand and it is snatched away from you...possibly never to return.

The quick conversations.  The slightest of interactions.

If you could be just a bruise for a day...punch me, mark me.  Stay on me in a brief tattoo.

But the skin doesn't reveal what the heart knows.  Or what the mind retains.

Huge libraries of books about you...written about you, descriptions of you.  Latin, music, chorales and diatribes.  I spend the days trying to describe a you that I know to a world that only knows flowers and petals...colors and purples...sunsets and sunrises...pale moons and see-through seas...that's all they know.  They don't know the complexity of the view I have of you...the indescribable.  The phantom.

How do you communicate with only your hands.  How do you communicate with only a raised eyebrow?

Against a default setting where you find yourself not like the way I see you...you find faults and flaws...you find challenges and issues.

I strive...I climb walls...knock down doors to illuminate...like you were in a stone filled room with no windows I look to have you catch a simple glimpse.  The slight corner of your eye of a color or of some light.

Something piercing...something breaking through.

I've spent a million words attesting to your beauty but they fall wooden upon you.

I am not sure how to convince you that you are beautiful...not just in the classic sense but in the casual one as well.

Indulge me...pretend you are...persuade yourself.

Remember when you were in a mirror and loved it...and galvanize that....that is what I see.  That is my strike mark.

That is what I remember.

And ironically...when I perhaps see you again, that is my default.

A crystalline view of the person that I find again and again...and my gaze and my appreciation for a face that is so fetching I cannot stand its absence.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Renovations


The one thing she had asked for was very complicated, probably costly and of all the things he felt were needed this wasn't one of them.

I want an outdoor shower...on the east side, with a rainfall spigot and wide white tiles and a wall just up to my shoulders...

He looked up at her, looking up from the drawings of some proposed changes to the bungalow that were critical...kitchen, gas lines, water hook-ups and the like.  There was an existing bathroom with its own internal shower...it was a few feet from being outside and had no windows.

It's not even in the plans we considered and signed off on.

Her mouth became a straight line, actually turning down a bit at the corners.  He set down his pencil.

She continued...I got up this morning, early while you were still sleeping.  Went out on this very first morning, the first time here...and was able to catch the sunrise.  It was super quiet, just barely a few birds...but it....she trailed and turned from him a little.  It reminded me of when I was growing up, and the day was going to be full and I couldn't wait for it to start.

Well hopefully you'll have many more of those times.

I know...but I wanted to be in a place where I could start my day as well...and I thought, how about outside?  How about in a quiet relaxing place where I could start clean.  And the next thing you know is I want an outside shower.

Saying no, introducing doubt...he hated when it happened.  She was not a gambler, although she would have won many times with her lack of revealing.  He could detect just the slightest edge when she was unhappy with him...it wasn't overt.

But to say no, against the wishes of her...well...that was just plain stupid.

Okay...where do you want it?

She smiled and led him outside to show him where the shower might be.



If I build it here, I'm going to have to cut down those trees and limb those ones over there.  Just so you have the perfect view.

They were standing at the east end of the bungalow, and while the space was available the view wasn't.  Trees, limbs and some other areas needed to be cleared.

She leaned cross armed.

He hired the gardening team the next day to clear out the views out to the east of the bungalow.  She was online, looking at tiles for the shower and rain spigots...she even asked about wiring for speakers but he told her bluetooth waterproof ones could be better.

She agreed.


That night, in the dusk that happened so quickly in the Caribbean, they were laying on the sofa.  Intertwined.  The bottle of bourbon was nearly empty...the waves could be heard lapping lightly at the  open windows and open doors.  It was pitch black outside as the only lights were across the bay.


I'm going to love that shower, she whispered.

They had put on some Pandora, a slightly jazzy funk style with some spanish guitar influence...he could smell her shampoo and her lotions.  Her skin was warm against his in a way that was warmer because it was familiar.  Known.  He loved that he knew every inch of her, favored certain inches more than others...but loved the landscape.  With her this close he could be anywhere...but the fact that it was a deserted island in the fact that they were the only two on it was very compelling.

The small addition of the shower...to make her happy beyond the fact that there was a tropical island in her name was even more enjoyable.

It's the small things...I'm quite happy that adding that will make you happier.

Yeah....It will.

A bit of quiet and he knew...he could almost hear the wheels in her head turning.  Something else was coming.

So...as you know, the typical sunrise takes about 8 minutes, once the Sun is emitted from the surface.
But a sunset lasts like 15 minutes.

He leaned up, she released from him in a slide and laid back.  Where are you going with this?

He heard her voice in the dark...it was one of his favorite sounds...the drawl of the south, near oceans and salt...the additional layer of bourbon to slow it down and make it huskier...these moments he wished he could hear her just recite poems or choruses....like provide her a book and just simply listen...the way rain sounds on a screen or the chirp of summer insects outside an open window.  It calmed him...soothed actually.  And he understood it was a trap...it created deeper wants, to cover the mouth emitting the words in a kiss, a covering...but he let her proceed.

well...

Well...?

Well what if had a pool on the western side....so we could watch the sun set out west?  We could make it a little bigger, maybe a bit bigger than a hot tub, but something we could sit in...have a drink...watch the evening end?

He reached over and poured the last drops of the bottle into her glass.  He got up and opened the other bottle on the counter.  He had brought his glass and poured a splash into his.
He wasn't a math major, but in his head he was trying to do some.  Costs and budget were hard to come by him, easier for her.  But she was asking...these seeds of ideas.  And he was a fulfiller.  That's unfortunately or fortunately what she had created in him.

Willie Wonka.  We are the dream makers.  It was what he was trying to do for her.

I am quite confident that to begin the day with you in the shower, and end the day with you in a pool...is probably the very definition of a heaven that I literally do not deserve.  And to spend those moments of waking and pre-sleep just alone aside you in a shared bed...a space...a couch...would be a place that I am pretty sure I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life.

She picked up her glass and clinked it against his.

It was pretty much a done deal.


Sunday, March 19, 2017

Alternatives

There was a moment...like a whisper you just might have heard...the water was warm, not bathtub heat but rather body temperature...his feet had found the smooth white sand in about five feet in the small beach area...the waterline around his chest level, rising and falling in the tide.  He was remarkably amazed that he could see his feet in the crystal clear blue...maybe it was green.  It didn't matter...he could sense the water against him and he could see to the bottom...

a bit of it splashed upwards...into his mouth, a nice warm salt.

This is you, he thought, immersed in the breeze and the air, the wind from a tide in his hair.  The sun was perfect, the lights dimming...the horizon just a sleek line.  I am in you, he thought...and it wasn't a sexual act, but rather a part where the minds of two are one, and the body length is condensed.

Rather, while he had been in her, this was something different.  He thought this as he swayed slightly in the surf on their island.

Their island.

He still stammered it...the concept.  The thought.

And then, like a welcome shape he saw her on the beach, walking down the sands and where the ocean put small waves at her feet.  In her hand was a bottle.

He looked up, where the sky was a blue ceiling...no clouds, not even a hint.  The water around him was body temperature...he agreed at that.  He felt like he may have felt when they were together in the dark, in the sweet mystery of her, and the moment when the bodies collided...but instead of darkness he saw everything.

It was a bit overwhelming.

And now she was walking towards him, the surf nibbling at her thighs and engulfing her.

Engulfing.

Such a perfect word...it was what she did every day to him.